During this past week I shared with a few of you the latest news regarding Ephraim.  Well, things have changed for the better while at the same time raising the stakes to a whole new level.  Last week our attorney alluded to us that the motion we filed to gain provisional custody had been ruled on in our favor.  The paperwork and process would take a short while to complete, but it was more or less done.  Like I said, I shared this with a few of you last week, but only a few, and not in great detail.  Something I did tell everyone, however, was that once the papers were in my hand declaring our custodial rights I would share the news with everyone.  I don't fully trust any justice system outside of God's, and so I was not ready to accept unconditionally our victory without proper documentation.  Turns out my caution was well served. 

 

We met with our attorney again today.  We are scheduled to appear before the judge next Friday, the 29th of December.  Our attorney says an official ruling should be made at this hearing, and that Jose (Ephraim's father) is scheduled to appear before the judge on Jan. 5th. to be informed of the decision. 

 

This morning, a few hours before our meeting, our attorney met with the judge and the case worker, a sort of "in-chambers" arrangement, something not common but today requested by the judge.  Both were very impressed by what Kayla and I have done so far for Ephraim, by the photos we provided of his crib, swing, chair, toys, etc...they were surprised at the lengths we have gone to, a mark in our favor, for sure.  The judge explained the dilemma she is facing in ths case.  Just as in America, the courts' primary concern is with the childs welfare, where he will best thrive.  The dilemma rests with the necessity to make a lasting decision, rather than place Ephraim in what could be termed "foster care."  The judge realizes the damage moving from one home to another will cause, especially when Ephraim only knows us.  At the same time, the courts desire to keep families whole, just as they do in the states.  Thus, there seems to be a similarity between systems, at least in the family courts, or at least with this judge. 

 

During this "unauthorized" meeting the case worker asked why we didn't consider adopting.  It came out, somewhere in the meeting, that the judge has in her power, and that she is considering the possibility, to declare Ephraim abandoned which would then make him eligible for adoption.  Prior to this little insight adoption was not a possibility unless Jose voluntarily gave up his rights or if Ephraim were in our care for two years.  The problem, however, is that we cannot portray a desire to adopt, as this would be contrary to our motion of provisional custody.  When we started this process, some 4 months ago, we sought to protect Ephraim.  As time has passed it has grown clear that we must be willing to commit to the long haul, regardless of how it all turns out.  Given the opportunity by the judge, it would be irresponsible of us not to adopt this precious little boy. 

 

Of course, this prospect is not without its own troubling downside.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a judge take one of my chiildren away.  No part of my self wishes this upon Jose, either.  At the same time, were we to quit the fight the life of Ephraim would rest on our shoulders, but out of our hands.  Just as the courts must do what is right by the child, so must we. 

 

I ask  you all to continue praying for us as we approach our hearing next week.  Not much of this experience has been without stress, and this time is no exception.  No matter the decision, provisional custody or the chance to adopt, emotions will run the gammut as we attempt to remain focused on right, not want. 

Almost 2 months ago I asserted the call God has placed on my life, a call to be a sort of modern day Jeremiah.  When I made this assertion I had only just read the opening chapter of Jeremiah, and I had no working knowledge of the book, or the sentiments of Jeremiah, beyond this introduction.  Between then and now I have not read past the 20th chapter of Jeremiah, a drudgingly slow pace, especially for me.  In fact, this last two months has been tiresome, to say the least, and it seems the stories of Jeremiah don't necessarily help.  Just before I read the first chapter, just before I heard God's call, a close friend told me of the struggles he had reading Jeremiah, having just finished it himself.  It was boring, he said, though not without purpose, a sentiment I have shared about much of the Old Testament throughout my life.  Yet I do not find Jeremiah boring.  On the contrary, I am enthralled. 

 

A day has not passed in the last two months that I have not considered his plight, a plight so similar to mine, though on a much smaller scale.  After all, my call is not to prophesy against nations.  Rather, it is a select few that are to receive the message given me.  Yet just as with Jeremiah, these few refuse to listen, choosing rather to trust in what they believe they already know, all the while ignoring what to me is so apparant.  Their ignorance may rest on my shoulders, however, and it is with this I have found myself struggling daily.  I have given up...that is, I have chosen to be silent rather subject myself to the continuous rejection or ignorance of what I have to say.  By doing so, however, I must ask myself if I am not then ignoring that which God has laid on my heart to share.

 

There is a distinct difference, of course, between myself and Jeremiah.  While I am certain God has led me to where I am and given me the words I have with specific purpose and for specific people, people are not a nation.  While true these few individuals have been resistant or less than interested in what I have to say, they have not been obstinate in their rebuffing of my insights; ignorant, perhaps, prideful or unwilling to believe, I think so, but not rude.  Apathetic, rather, and at times patronizing, I think the reason for resistance is grounded in what it would mean were they to simply and decidedly accept that which God has given me.  Change, reversal of patterns and decisions, and most difficult to deal with, recognition of past mistakes and the resulting consequences we are all now left to deal with.  Sadly, these past mistakes continue to repeat themselves, birthing new consequences continuously. 

 

Despite the clarity with which I see these things it seems, through my own fault, I have allowed my vision to cloud.  Filled with anger, frustration, even rage, I gave root to these feelings, I fed them and allowed them to grow.  Worst of all, I allowed these feelings to stray, to become focused on the offenders rather than on their offenses.  You see, my anger, at its core, is righteous.  I despise the impure and misguided actions that take place around me, the results of which lay suffering at my feet.  Yet, at no time has God granted us the leisure of despising those who commit such acts.  Realize, these offenders are not of the world, not those which Christ has charged us with saving; those whose acts I am burdened with are, in fact, here to aid in the saving.  They are leaders, meant to be examples, and yet I have not been able to see past their weaknesses, which in turn has kept me from providing them with strength. 

 

I owe these individuals an apology, not because I was angry, but because I was angry with them.  Their weakness consumed me, as I, too, am weak.  I owe them an apology because, for a time, I gave up on them.  I called it quits, as if it were my decision, as if I could simply tell God I was done, that I had tried pretty hard but that it was no use.  Of course, that's not my decision.  That's not a choice I am at liberty to make.  Thus, my mission will continue.