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4/26/2007 The Joy of the Lord is my strength!!Recently, a close friend of mine passed away, a friend in Lima whom I had grown close to, a friend who will be missed a great deal. Upon hearing the news, and after I expressed the anguish of my loss, another friend wrote and asked me if there was any joy left in our lives, to which I replied-
No, we don't have some joy, we have more joy than anyone deserves!! In the midst of all these hard times I look at our little boy and lose my train of thought; I teach my two older boys in the morning hours of school and am overwhelmed at how lucky I am to have this time with them; I go shopping with my daughter and as she converses with me I realize what I have done to get her to that point, to lead her to be who she is; Kayla and I find joy in each other we never thought possible, and it gets better each day!!
Most of all the lesson I am being taught right now is that the Lord is all I need, that it is He I need to turn to in times of heartache, just as in times of joy. This lesson is becoming more and more evident every day.
With all my woes attempting to overtake me I am in surprisingly good spirits, though it may not seem so from my writing. I sometimes forget just how clear my emotion is relayed on paper. Even so, it is only because of prayer that I survive I think, prayer that recently has proven more fruitful, more worthwhile than before. My conversations with God have gained clarity, His voice comes to me unobstructed. At the end of the day, no matter how long this day lasts, the Will of God will present itself. Of this I can assure you all!!
God Bless, and Thank You!! 4/17/2007 I'm waking up. . .Tired. Man, I've been tired, the kind of tired that doesn't go away after a nap or a day's rest. The kind of tired that's with you 24/7. The kind of tired that makes you tired thinking about how tired you are. That's what kind of tired I've been.
I've been behind since January, fighting to keep up with the back of the pack. It seems I can't find the time to do what I need to do regardless of where I look, and yet, here I am, still grinding it out, making the best of it all knowing that whatever God has in store for me at the end of this challenge will be well worth the struggle, and knowing this challenge serves to prepare me for the next.
With just less than a year of school remaining I find myself looking up from the bottom of a rut threatening to consume me. I've managed to come out of my last two classes with passing, yet embarrassing, grades and it looks like my current class will end in a similar manner. I've scheduled a two-week break after this class so I can reorganize, regroup, get my focus back. If I don't I may never again find my way.
Last month Abi's mom and step-dad asked me to allow Abi to be adopted by her step-dad. It's the right thing to do, and the question was one I had awaited for some time, if only because I'm the type of guy that prepares for tough times, especially when they're likely to come. An emotional decision, this was one we made with peace as we know Abi needs a whole family, and as God has granted us a calm in our decision. While on paper I will no longer be her father my heart will always say otherwise, and we will continue to be a part of her life. Upon our return to Colorado we will spend as much time with her as we can and will always be as much a part of her life as she likes, as much as we can. Just the same, this decision carries with it an emotional tsunami, one that comes again and again. . .
My grandmother and I had a bit of a falling out. For those of you who read my piece on culture at JournalPeru you may understand why. I sent that piece to her, not thinking about the insinuations she would derive, but rather hoping she would see my attribution to her for all she did give me, while at the same time realizing what I felt I had missed in our relationship and hopefully join me in attempting to recoup as much as would be possible. She didn't, and after one unpleasant email exchange I fear she and I may never again speak. Some of you probably think I deserve this. Maybe I do. Somehow I feel I've been plagued with the urgency to be honest in order to derive the truth from a world that frowns upon direct and confrontational interaction because it makes people feel uncomfortable. Yes, this is the curse I'm blessed with.
Easter was just a few weeks ago. Rather than the traditional "Passion Play" style performance, Ronnie (Kayla's dad) spawned the idea to put on a 4-day run of "Hell House," the now popular Halloween-time drama designed to show non-believers and believers alike a few of the more common yet ignored pathways to Hell, and then revealing the alternative, Jesus and Heaven. For reasons that remain a mystery to me, the locals decided I should play Jesus. After all, I'm tall and white, just the way Latino's view Jesus (or so it seems).
In addition to four days of 3-hour nightly live performances two churches and many individuals came together to build the complex and intricate yet makeshift set. Representing six different scenarios leading to eternal damnation, along with an elaborate Lake of Fire and an almost too bright to see Heaven, over 900 people passed through the 12-15 minute drama during its run. The seeds planted in people's lives, the thoughts provoked by what they saw made the investment well worth it, despite the sacrifice of time and sleep (two things I'm short on anyway) everyone made. I'll have photos and short videos posted in the near future.
Kayla and I visited with our attorney again. It seems the judge handling Cohen's (Ephraim, for those of you a little behind) custody case has returned. More specifically, we learned the judge who was handling the case was just a fill-in and that the full-time judge is now back on the case. According to our lawyer, the "real" judge is much more efficient, and thus he believes we should have full custody in about a week, and the moral and material abandonment resolution should be completed within three weeks. When you get through all that mumbo-jumbo you'll find it means we should be able to begin the Peruvian adoption process within a month.
With any luck the adoption will be complete by August or September, at which time we will embark on the grueling task of securing a US visa. Six months ago we thought we'd be heading back to Colorado in July. Now, it looks as though we may be here another year before we able to leave. At the moment we can't even leave the city without judicial permission, and leaving the country won't be possible for some time. We miss our friends, family, and our snows of Colorado, but our reason for delaying a visit is a pretty good one. The affirmation we experience 50 times a day through the smiles, laughs, coos and spit bubbles of our little boy fill the void a thousand times over.
Two nights ago, while I lay in bed praying, God spoke to me, clearly and accurately. Often times when God let's me in on His plans he does so knowing I'll exercise discretion in my sharing of the secret. Many times God's words are for me alone, messages not meant to be shared right away, as those whom are concerned may not be ready to hear them. This message seemed to be one of those, though I didn't think I would have to keep it a secret long. Normally after hearing from God directly I take some time to process His words a bit before I consider sharing any of it anyway. This time I was excited and wanted to tell right away, but the need to wait was impressed upon me, and so I did.
The next morning, at school, both Kayla and I were involved in two seperate interactions with two different people, completely unrelated save one common, though not unique, factor. Not realizing what Kayla had been involved in, and not recognizing my encounter as anything special without her encounter to complete the circle, it wasn't until after we had arrived home that afternoon and Kayla and I shared the stories of our day with each other that it all made sense. The ultimate confirmation that the word had come from God directly was in Kayla's response when I shared it with her. Not even a pause in her demeanor, just smooth and continuous discussion, God's words blending right in as though they were meant to be there. Unfortunately, the message was one I didn't exactly want to hear, but it was easily accepted, easy to understand once it all came together.
So, what's the point?, you're asking (if you're still reading). The point is this. Living for God isn't easy. If it was everyone would be doing it. Sacrifice has a reason, and when that reason is evasive you can bet the payoff will be worth it as long as you see it through. Following God doesn't mean life will be pain free, it means there will always be a reason and a reward for the pain we experience in His name. For those times when our faith is questioned, those times when we are let down by those closest to us, by those we think are or should be close, it is during these times God is calling to us, during these times we must call out to Him. |
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